


Autophobia

by AJcooper28



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Humor, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Tragedy, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders Has Panic Attacks, Comfort/Angst, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Heavy Angst, Multi, Original Character(s), Panic, Panic Attacks, Teen Angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-07
Updated: 2020-11-11
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:40:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27433690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AJcooper28/pseuds/AJcooper28
Summary: In Sander Sides, we know the consequences of no anxiety.But, what if there was only anxiety, no other sides to help or stay?All because of that one incident...
Comments: 2
Kudos: 9





	1. Meet Alex

**Author's Note:**

> This is a fanfic of Sander Sides.
> 
> This is in the POV of just everything the main character is thinking in their head, not just a first-person perspective.  
> All their thoughts and feelings are shown.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meet Alex...

_Rrrriiiiiiiiinnng..._

_Rrrriiiiiiiiinnng..._

_Rrrriiiiiiiiinnng..._

I wake up from my bed thanks to my alarm clock. My tired eyes full of dirt, hurt from the uncomfortable morning light. The clock’s red outlines with numbers in italic font scorn my soul as its horrendous sound continue ringing and ringing. I groan, not only at my alarm clock but also at myself. 

Arrgh! Why am I even mad at myself this time? I just woke up dammit! I should be happy, excited about the new day or some shit. Why am I so anxious and uneasy? Why do I always feel like the minute I wake up and start the day, I am gonna fuck up, that I am gonna be pulled down to the face of the earth and get kicked and kicked until I reach the other side. 

_Crash_

I continue covering my face with my agitated and frustrated hands. While contemplating, I forget that I accidentally snoozed my alarm like an idiot and it starts ringing again, scaring me out of my wits so hard I knock the clock out of panic. The clock falls and breaks, the pieces separate like a broken family that gave up.

I sigh and get even more frustrated, "Guess I am gonna need a new one…" great going, Alex, another one tossed on the ground just because you got a little scared. What if that was a borrowed one from a dear friend? How do you think they would feel after you do the same thing to theirs? 

I try to ignore my intrusive thoughts by going back to sleep. My grey hoodie gives me comfort from the cold as my shorts make it harder to stand it, especially on my legs. I go on a spooning position while hugging my dirty white pillow tightly, the softness helps me forget the dirt that covers it. I try to go back to sleep so I don't have to start another dreadful day in my life. My eyes squeeze, trying to block out the daylight sunshine from my curtainless windows. Eventually giving up due to the noises from the neighbors outside, I begrudgingly open my eyes halfway and look at the mirror which is to the right of my bed. I sigh to myself, not knowing anyways if I feel sad or miserable.

"What are you doing to yourself?" I grumble in disappointment and shame. 

AAAAA ENOUGH! I get it! These annoying thoughts keep piling up in my head. I already get that I am a pathetic human being that panic over nothing, I don't need another voice telling me that. Or maybe I do, who knows. I might just be so pathetic that I deserve this torture. I might be so pathetic that I-

_Bang!_

There it is. The sign that I am going insane. I have finally hit the light brown, smooth wall of my apartment room and caused it to break. The hole is almost the perfect size for my hand to get in, like an endless void just for me. Too bad there isn't an actual void for me to go into, would have probably felt right at home. Empty, black, full of nothingness—yup, perfect jail cell for me to stay and confine myself in.

The blood on my knuckles feels like tiny waterfalls falling down onto the bed. The pain isn't even obvious for me to feel. It just feels...itchy? Numb? I guess when you have been getting episodes for a long time, you kinda get used to it. I feel my bleeding right hand with the other, feeling the roughness of my skin and the small viscosity of the blood on my knuckles. It hurts a bit, but not enough to make me flinch. I don't know if I should be sad or glad that I am used to hurting myself. Does it even matter at this point?

"HEY! What was that sound!? Alex was that you!?" The sudden shout startles me, nearly causing me to scratch my wound and make it worse. 

Shit, that was my landlord. If she finds out I went on another episode and broke my wall, I am dead.

"Uhhh… Nope! Not me!" I shakingly respond, hoping to God she doesn't get suspicious and checks in my room. I look down on my bleeding hand, blood still dripping out a marathon. I try to stop the bleeding with my hand but the blood seeps through.

"Are you sure? It was pretty loud and it was coming from inside your ro-"

"YEAH YEAH, IT'S ALL GOOD HERE! I'm FINE DON'T WORRY" I interrupt out of panic, nearly shaking, fidgeting, stuttering.

Oh no, FUCK MY LIFE WHY DID I INTERRUPT HER? NOW SHE WILL EITHER BE MAD OR MORE SUSPICIOUS OR EVEN BOTH. God, I am such a dumbass.

I postpone my self-deprecation for later since I still need to think of what to do now so she doesn't find out what I did to my wall. I check on my hand once again and notice it is still bleeding and dripping on my mattress. The drops drop synchronously to my beating heart. I stand up and lift my hand higher to keep the blood away from the bed to prevent further dripping.

"Shit, I should clean this up. But what about the wall?" I look to the hole I made, one of its pieces about to fall off. I like back and forth between my hand and my wall, indecisive on which one I should cover up first. 

Hand, wall, hand, wall, hand, wall, handwallhandwallhandwallhand...

"Alex! I am coming in!" I scream then immediately cover my hand after.

But, unbeknownst to me, I accidentally used my bloody hand to cover my mouth. I find this out when my tongue feels an almost metallic, weird liquidy taste. I pull away my hand immediately, some blood leftover on my mouth. I try to wipe it off with my other hand while licking it to help with the stickiness.

_**BANG!** _

_**BANG!** _

_**BANG!** _

FUCK! I hear the knocks getting louder and louder.

I panic.

I freeze.

I can't breathe.

Am I dead? What do I do? I can't feel my legs. Someone help me.

I can't see. I can't see. I can't see.

Ican'tseeIcan'tseeIcan'tsee…..

I drop to my knees, hands on the ground.

I can't feel a thing. My mind goes spiraling. I feel so much panic. It feels like I'm going to die. I wanna die. I wanna die. Please let this end. I wanna die. I don't wanna be scared anymore. Hyperventilating. Can't breathe. Please…

~~"Alex, I am going in." The door gets opened, nearly broken from just pushing and ramming into it twice~~

…muffled...noises? I can’t understand

~~“Alex? Alex!”~~

…Who..who is there? Someone? Help me

~~Alex~~

…I feel..cold

~~Alex~~

…I..I...I feel...

ALEX!

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Empty


	2. Good Friends Deserve Good Things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Feeling guilty for owing a good friend so much, Alex decides to think of a plan to get some money

I wake up. Not literally since my eyes were always open. I mean I wake up from seeing and feeling nothing but panic and pop myself back into reality. My sight is hazy, blurry. Foggy like a car's window when it passes by a burning building. But, like any fog, the smoke begins to clear. I begin seeing a certain figure a bit clearer, almost able to make out who exactly is in front of me. A black woman; eyebrows furrowed with either confusion, anger, or both; tired eyes; hands on my shoulder that grip and shake me tightly; hair still filled with curlers from the day before; and finally, the weird red coat she always wears. 

This couldn't possibly be anyone else except my landlord, Mestisah—Mesty or Mess for short. Although, she is only okay with the nicknames when it's serious—someone needs emotional support—time. Which in my sad, anxious case, is all the damn time.

_Sorry Mess, sorry that you have to deal with a mess like me all the time. Sorry that despite your already busy schedule, I'm just adding to the list. Sorry that I can't do anything else but feel sorry for myself everyday and hate myself for it instead of actually trying to solve my issues on my own. I'm sorry for being just a burden on you. I'm sorry for always bringing you down when you should be able to rise up like anyone else. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for-_

"Alex!" My thoughts come to a halt. 

Despite my hoodie's best efforts and the fact that it's a very sunny day today, I still feel cold like a new coin from the bank.

_Why did she say my name? Was she saying something and I wasn't paying attention? Should I have said something beforehand? Am I making things worse by not talking? What should I even say? Hoo haa! No, why would I even say that? That's so stupid. I'm so stupid. That's why I am a burden to everyone and I deserve nothing but punishment for it. I should be-_

"Alex!" I flinch, eyes shocked and tired from my lack of sleep thanks to my insomnia.

It seems the cold has gotten the better of me and led me to overthink once again. My sweat and tears mix in with the temperature similar to the coldest night.

_Great, now I look even more idiotic. Why am I still quiet? Speak damnit, speak! Say something, anything! Just please say a goddamn word already! Stop making things worse like you always do! Be useful for once and SPEAK!_

"H-huh?" I barely blurt out with all my might.

"Oh thank god!" I hear her sigh of relief after hearing me

She leans back a bit while laughing hysterically. It seems like that was the response she wanted to hear, or probably it was just the fact that I finally uttered a noise which made her glad and celebrate in response. The uncertainty of why she seems happy keeps me confused and unsure which explains my unchanged panicked expression. This remains despite her continued talking about how I was gone for almost an hour which caused her to panic and be concerned for my well being. This causes me to panic even more, sweating profusely and increasingly.

I wipe my sweat shakingly as she continues to laugh about my dumb mistake of overreacting again. You see, she is actually a very nice person, almost motherly. If not for my extreme anxiety, I would've found her comforting rather than scary. Ironic how the person I fear the most is the nicest person I have ever met. Or could it be that I am just afraid of this person hating me and leaving me alone? Seeing that she is the only person left in my life, that theory is most likely it.

I've gotten so used to being abandoned by almost everyone in my life that it feels like a normality to just cling to the only person I have left. It's kinda like the myth of Apollo and Phoebe, no matter how the other person perceives you, no matter if they hate you with everything they've got, there is still this extreme attachment to them that you just end up clinging to them, never letting them go even if it's toxic to the both of you.

"Hey, Mess?" She stops, looking at me with full attentiveness in her eyes despite her prior outbursts of laughter

While she remains waiting, I gulp and sigh while staring at the ground, contemplating....

"Do...you hate me?" Her eyes widen. 

Then after taking in what I asked, she closes her blue eyes then she lets out a sigh. She looks back at me.

"No. You know that I don't, Alex, right?" Her tone sounds a bit annoyed and tired, perhaps because I have been asking this very question more times than she can count. 

She lifts an eyebrow, waiting. It seems like despite this being a very repetitive question, she is still trying to get me to say, “Yes, of course I do.”

_But would I be telling the truth? Or would I be lying? Does she even deserve that? No. But what do I do? Will she leave me if I tell the truth? Or if I tell a lie? Does it even matter? Should I even be overthinking this stuff? Ughhhhhhhh….what am I even doing?_

As I take even longer with my response, she sighs once again.

_Is she mad at me? Or disappointed? I'm….uhhhhh_

"I-"

"It's okay," she inhales then exhales, almost as if she has accepted it—if she hasn't already, if not more. 

I look down, sad like I'm a disappointment—more like disappointed in myself but what's the difference really? And her disgruntled look isn't helping the situation any better. I guess I was right then.

Silence. I just remembered it's a Sunday. I guess that's thanks to the awkward silence that has filled the room that my brain decided to remember something so...insignificant? Out of nowhere? Nice, even my brain can't think of a word for it. I guess I never really thought of it that much. 

_I mean, what is there to do anyway? I am not religious so church is a no no, especially with the whole "Trans people don't belong in heaven" schtick. Uggghhh….gives me the shivers sometimes; I'm not that fond of social gatherings and that includes the fact that the majority of the people usually aren't people I know. And I definitely do not like making new friends to just lose; I don't really watch movies since I could just watch them on the internet via pirated sites or streaming websites; I don't really go out to buys books or groceries since, again, I could just used online services for that to avoid crowds and talking a lot to people. I already have a hard enough time ordering on my own in my own apartment, what more if I was outside? Ugggghhh…._

_Sigh…. Welp, nothing else to do but stay in the comfort of my own room. I mean, it has everything! Internet for lots of stuff, food, my hobbies like drawing and reading, and my only friend who hasn't left me ye–oh yeah, forgot, awkward silence…._

_Well this is awkward, well more like more awkward…._

…..

….

…

..

.

_AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH_

_IT HAS ALREADY BEEN 3 FULL MINUTES AND IT'S STILL AWKWARD. MY ANXIOUS SELF CAN'T TAKE IT_

_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA_

_IT FEELS LIKE I'M ICARUS FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. I'M SWEATING LIKE HELL OVER HERE_

_AAAAAAAAAA SAY SOMETHING_

….

…

..

.

"Icarus?"

"Huh?"

"I-icarus was the son of Daedalus who flew too close to the sun?" I have my head shyly lowered while keeping my eyes high up enough to still be looking straight into her forehead so I don't seem rude.

…

..

.

Instant regret….

…

..

.

"Uhhhh… what?" Shocked and concerned expression on her face.

...

I stay quiet. 

..

I panic.

.

I-

"Pfft-"

She starts giggling, then starts laughing, then starts getting louder and louder. She looks like she's having fun which increases my confusion.

_How? Didn't I ruin the situation? What's so funny? Are you making fun of me? Please don't. I am uncomfortable right now. I don't know anymore. I wanna leave. Can I please leave?_

"You're really…. Something…" she smiles genuinely.

"H-huh?"

"You're funny, different. Yet you also panic way too damn much." Still smiling

I look down apologetically, "I'm sorry…"

"N-no, no no it's okay! I didn't mean it like that. It's okay." She stammers while trying to cheer me up a bit.

….

_Great, my panicking made her uncomfortable..._

_..._

She stares at me for a bit, eyeing my entire position. Head down while slightly moved away from her face, sitting in a habitual seiza position, tense body including the shoulders.

_I look pathetic…_

"You're not pathetic…" 

I jump, eyes wide.

_W-what? Did she read my mind? Can she read my mind? Does this mean that she knows all my secrets? Even embarrassing ones? Even the ones-_

"Calm down," she grabs my tense, stiff shoulders to bring me back to reality and shakes me a bit, "I just know you too well. I know when you go on random tangents that make you panic. Believe me, it's okay…" 

She looks at me concerned while still trying to get me to relax. 

"Now, remember what I taught you? The 4-4-4?"

Of course, the breathing exercise. I close my eyes, breath in for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds, breath out for 4 seconds. 4...4...4… keep doing this until I calm down….

_4…_

_4…_

_4…_

I open my eyes.

"Feeling better now?"

"Yeah." 

"Good." A sigh of relief

Right after, her phone rings...

"Ah! Oh I forgot, I'm a landlord. I gotta go now, a certain someone has problems with their toilet. Apparently, someone stuffed a rubber duck in it again? Anyways, don't forget your rent is due! Bye!" She waves me good bye and heads out of my room.

I stay where I am, almost as if I forgot standing is a thing. After a few seconds of just awkward kneeling, I lift myself up. I turn to look at the hole in the wall again, this time covered with fleece tape.

_It must've been Mess, looks like she really made sure to have every single part covered._

I then feel a rough and weirdly soft texture on my hand. I look down and see a bandage covering my before bleeding knuckles. I start rubbing it a bit.

_Heh, guess I was being too much of a worrywort to have even noticed this earlier._

Blushing out of embarrassment, I walk to the side of my bed before collapsing onto the mattress. I groan in misery and shame.

_Why didn't I notice earlier? I should have thanked her at least…. I don't deserve her as a friend… I sigh…_

_Well, don't have time to worry about that now. I have to find out how to get some money. Thanks to my broke ass, she has to keep making excuses for me and pretend like I am not in debt to her. She's too kind, too nice to me. It's bad enough that I owe her money, now I owe her gratitude. Aaaargh… I'm really the worst…_

I stare at my plain, white ceiling full of holes. This building is not young so of course it has some old parts. The holes, fragile walls, broken bathrooms. This building could be as old as the freaking world for all I know.

_Well, who am I to complain? I got no choice. I got no money, the landlord is nice enough to excuse my every action, I can't even be responsible for myself on my own. Aaaaah…. I really need a job…_

_Well, Alex, why don't you stop complaining like a brat and actually get one? Well, what can I do? I can't act or sing, I only draw to pass the time, I dropped out of school so I'm not that smart, don't even have a degree in anything. I'm just some random 23 year old on their own with no one to help them. Aaaah… why am I so useless?_

Suddenly, I hear people outside talking loudly. I look outside my window and see two people disposing garbage in their truck while talking to each other. They are both wearing blue polo shirts with red outlines and a logo. Then suddenly, an idea popped in my head. 

_No, no no no no no……_

_AAAAAAAHHHHHH FINE! Fine-fine, I'll work as a garbage collector. How do I even sign up? Do I just go up to them and ask? What do I say? Oh hello, I am in debt to one of the nicest people on earth and I am poor as fuck, may I work along side you as a self-looter? Ugghh...that's stupid...I'm stupid…._

I sigh from defeat.

_Alright-alright, let's just search online about garbage collecting…_

While still sitting on my mattress, I get off and look for my bag which was hanging on my door. I grab my bag and find my phone inside along with my empty wallet. I unlock the code on my phone then start searching on google for information. 

"...garbage collectors….wages….how to sign up…….." I mumble to myself while scrolling through my options

"Ah! Here we go. Hmmmm...the salary is pretty okay...at least for my situation…" I tilt my head a bit and look upward while thinking, raising my eyebrow, and calculating...

"......how much do I owe again? Hmmm...been here for 4 weeks...the rent is weekly so…..464 times 4..." I mumble to myself while thinking.

I exit the app and search for my calculator before multiplying the two.

"1,856…" I groan, "ugggghhh….I really need to work and get money…"

"Alright, so I guess I could just ask those people about the job and ask to sign up? Jeez, social interaction—my weakness. Well, good luck to me I guess." I sigh out of reluctance.

I start getting myself changed into outside clothes. By outside clothes, I mean a different hoodie that is brown instead, a pair of jogging pants, and my only pair of slippers. I grab my bag and phone then start to head out.

\-----

As my hand grabs the door handle, I stop and take one deep breath. 

"You got this…" I repeat the mantra taught to me by Mestisah to prepare me for anything extreme like going outside and socially interacting with- and now I wanna just not do what I am about to do so I shall not do what I would-will-shall do….

I groan in my thoughts after doing a 180 and immediately speed walk 5 steps away from the door to social anxiety….

_Ugggghhhhh… I am so pathetic………..Wait...If I don't go outside and get the job, I will still have no money, I won't be able to pay Mess back for everything, she might get so upset and leave me or be done with me, or she will be too nice to leave me and I would be an even bigger burden on her for the rest of her life. I would be ruining her entire life. It will be all my fault. No, no-no-no-no…… I don't want that…._

After I giving myself a self-deprecating pep-like talk and sweating continuously like a drench camel, I stiffen myself up and make a reverse 180 turn and walk the same amount of steps forward. I'm about to hold the door handle once again before realizing I suddenly couldn't. It's as if my hand's in shackles that prevent me from moving it in any way.

Frustrated, I shout in my thoughts.

_What? What are you doing? WHAT IS HAPPENING? MOVE DAMMIT, WHY WON'T YOU MOVE? WHAT IS HAPPENING? AAAAAAAAAAAAAA! I JUST NEED TO GO OUTSIDE, GET THE JOB, WORK AND GET MONEY, PAY BACK THE DEBT, THEN EVERYONE IS HAPPY! WHAT ELSE IS THERE TO WORRY ABOUT!?_

"What if you don't get the job?" An unfamiliar voice startles me

…..

….

…

..

.

"WHO'S THERE!!!!????"


End file.
